Fun

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In The Fast Lane On Only Three Wheels

Published May 14, 2013 by Information General

In the beginning…when i was first thinking about this compilation of tales, i was in serious contemplation over the name. It was either to be; “Alas In Wonderland” or “In The Fast Lane On Only Three Wheels”. Obviously the decision was made and now we have “Alas”, but still, Fast lane has it’s compelling properties, simply for the basis for the name, a tale which now i will tell, with much hilarity at the memory!delighting in everything

 Many of these unbelievable and calamitous events, happened to occur, while driving, or using other means of transport, so within this report; I will include three separate occasions, each as funny as the next though as different as fire and ice.

Let me start with the evening my dear friend had started the party rather early in the afternoon and took it through to the night club of choice, which we mentioned in previous posts. As this was still at a time that limits had not been set to the closing of certain establishments and the sale of liquor, you can be sure that it was well in the wee hours of the following morning that she decided that perhaps it would be a good time to make her way home. As she lives a good way out of the hustle and bustle of mid-town, she braced herself for a 45 to 50 min. drive. This of course, appearing much longer in the mind of one who had by this time well saturated. Once the city street lights increased their regularity to perhaps  500 feet between them, so her eyelids became weighted, and as the darkness of the road engulfed her, so the weights overpowered her heavy lids, and at the very next traffic light, won the battle. Right there in the middle of a four way intersection, she went to sleep. The engine running and her slumped over the wheel, to sleep, per chance to dream. I am told it was a good 40 to 45 mins. later that she was rudely awakened by a traffic policeman rapping wildly on her window, shining his flash light directly into her face. “Are you alright?” He asked, to which she quickly and convincingly answered; “Yes, yes officer, I am just waiting for my friend who is taking a wee.” “Oh” he replied and walked away, and as soon as the traffic light turned green for her again, she put peddle to the mettle and made her escape…without her supposed, now urine free companion. Well of course, you can imagine the look on the traffic cops face as she “left her friend behind”.

Another evening, which involves transport and night’s out includes me. It had been many a weekend that passed without incident, perhaps as she had not been out in some time; but this specific evening we had made all the necessary arrangements so that we could make a night of it, and went out! As she had not been out in sometime, she decided to make up for any wasted moments. I am still not sure exactly what she had, as I was sure I had matched her one for one, but I was still standing, she on the other hand, not so much.

Me, being the more “level-headed”, decided it best that we make our way home, and of course, I would be doing the driving. Though I had not been in the area for a number of years, I was pretty lost and needed directions, as the infrastructure had changed so dramatically over the past few years I had been away. I managed to get the necessary directions out of my precious friend before she slumped down on the passenger seat of the infamous manicured beetle, and I started to drive. Not really sure of where I was, knowing where I was supposed to be going and pretty sure I was on the correct highway, I drove for what felt like a very long time, every couple kilometers nudging her awake to ensure we were on the right track, until eventually I recognized a building, as being one that was possibly 10 to 15 mins away from home, and with a sigh of relief, took the turn and made our way home.

I parked the car in the in front of the garage, now came the next challenge…getting us inside! Now for me, this was not to be a problem, though getting my friend in would prove to be somewhat more challenging.

After about 7 to 10 minutes of rousing her form her slumber, I convinced her that bed was far more comfortable, and she agreed, and opened the door and politely fell out! Leaving her feet in the car, with her butt nestled up against the beetles foot-board, feet in the air and skirt over her head. Myself, still in the drivers seat, could not move for laughing, for a further 10 minutes.

The third incident took place when the twins were on their way out.

On their 18th birthday, their dad had bought them an old “bakkie”, beige in colour and mechanically sound, though the body was in need of serious repair. The driver side door was held closed by a strong nylon rope, which was somehow wrapped around the frame and the door, keeping the door securely closed. This car/van, had a name, as did all our cars, as mentioned before, and “he” took them safely where they were to go. This specific evening, though calamitous, was no different.

While driving, listening to music and laughing at their conversation, the sisters heard a strange “bumping” sound, and the car jolted, ever so slightly. Wide eyes looking at each other, they continued their journey, in the fast lane, when suddenly they were over taken…by their rear wheel! It took them a few seconds to realize that they had lost a wheel, which was clearly in more of a hurry to reach their destination than they were, but when the reality dawned on them, they pulled over and doubled up in laughter, making a phone call to me to retell of their latest encounter! Being in the Fast Lane On Only Three Wheels!

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Alas In Wonderland, Down The Rabbit Hole…

Published March 6, 2013 by Information General

It’s been a couple days since i last wrote, the truth is, i was trying really hard to formulate the words to do this story justice. As mentioned in the previous post, i would have to paint an accurate picture, a vivid description  so as to give the truest rendition of these calamitous events.

To understand the relationship between us, you must know that we have been BFF’s since we were 10 years old, that means, that right now, we’re looking at a friendship that has spanned some 29 years! A lifetime for some. And i believe that it is a friendship that will last for many, many years to come.

loving life

Think if you will, the picture of the typical Irish beauty. Fair skinned, dark unruly hair and the biggest of blue eyes, positioned on a very pleasant face covered in freckles. If my friend stood 5 foot at the time, she was tall! At that age, one could already tell that she had been blessed with a beautiful waste, rounded hips and the beginning of full, voluptuous breasts.

Her eyes were framed by long beautiful dark lashes and brows, while her face was encased in thick, dark hair that cascaded in natural curls down her back. This used to be her bane, never really liking the curls, though she would not have been who she was, had she had straight well kept hair. Her eyes were dewy, and always had a tenderness in them that later in life would pull men in by the hordes. Her entire, vertically challenged and rounded body, was covered in freckles, i never thought to at the time, but i am quite sure that i could have played a great game of connect the dots.

Now, if you will, cast your imagination to a tall (for her age) slender girl. Blue eyes and mousy brown hair. Standing at about 5 foot 2 inches i towered over my friend, and would do so every year, as she really didn’t grow much beyond 5 foot 3.5/4 inches, while i grew to just under 6 foot. We were a sight to behold, a feminine and child version of Lorrel and Hardy if you will. I was slender, tall and didn’t have much in the way of curves, though considered pretty, i still had a ways to go, and honestly, would never be as popular with the guys as both she and her identical twin would prove to be in the years that followed.

She was a shy girl, always softly spoken and giggled like, well a little girl, at the words to the Irish song; “My dig-a-ling”, which we only ever listened to when her Mum had gone shopping, leaving us alone to be “naughty“.  She very rarely smiled in front of adults, as she had full braces and was somewhat self conscious of this fact. She was the total opposite of me, quiet, well behaved and not in the least rebellious, whereas i took on the spirit of James Dean after watching the cult classic; “The Breakfast Club” and became the rebel without cause, just because i thought it cool to shock whoever was willing to listen! She would always do her homework, and do it well, while i would get her to do mine when it was more than a week overdue! And when i could not get her or her sister to sit and write the pages and pages of dictation for me, i simply made photocopies of their books and pasted these into mine. I don’t know what i believed would happen with this, but this story remains a source of great hilarity in our circle.

At this time, my family was building our home, a very large house, which i used to explain as “a square, with a whole in the middle and flat roof.” Well this is exactly what it was, the whole in the middle was the pool to which every room opened out onto, one could gain access to the flat roof from a staircase which lead off the pool area. I still do not know why we had a flat roof, though it was later used to tan in the nick.

The house was built with an almost mirrored “cellar” that ran the entire square of the house, with the purpose of allowing the airflow that was created by an under ground duct system, to flow through strategically placed vents in the floor throughout the house. At the time of building, these vents had been left open, with a good 6 foot drop to the floor of the cellar. It was only after the property started looking more like a house that these were covered by grids and later still carpet.

After school, we used to go with my dad, to the house to see how it was coming along, and being children, we would explore the vast caverns of the unknown. On one such day, i had encouraged my dear friend to run with me through the passages of the yet unfinished house. I can’t remember if it was supposed to be a race or we were just working on our fitness levels, but either way, i was the lithe one, fitter and faster due to my build, while she had a somewhat uneasy and slower gait, as her legs were at least one third shorter than mine.

I urged and egged her on, as i took long elegant strides through the 2 meter wide passages, flying over the vents, without much notice. She, being at least half a passage length behind at any given moment, was doing her best to catch up, keeping her eyes with steely focus on my back. Come to think of it, i think she could have been a little afraid of getting lost, like i said, it was a very big house!

I was off, now working my way to the end of the forth passage, when i heard a “umph” and slight squeal. In that moment, i could not think what it could possibly be, or what had created this strange noise, but that was before i heard a small timid voice, calling out my name. Quickly i turned back and ran towards the area i was sure i had heard it, and as i turned the corner, back into the forth passage from which i had just left, i saw it! There she was, my friend, shorter than i remembered her, with her knee right up next to her face and not much else. You guessed it, she was so focused on me, that she neglected to step over the vent, and as it was about 30cm in width, she stepped into it with one foot and as it is with gravity, went down the rabbit hole.

She had slipped all the way down to or up to, her crotch, with only one leg, while the other, not having anywhere else to go, settled next to her ear. To this day, i still don’t know how her body managed this contortion, but it took me a good 15 minutes to extricate her from the predicament she found herself in. And in truth, the reason it took me this long, was because i had no strength left once i could see beyond the tears of laughter rolling down my cheeks. I could see her lone leg, dangling, from a position in the cellar, while i was faced with the vision of her knee and face sharing the same small space above ground. I could hear the strange sound she had made as she went down, and even today, as i write these words, i am laughing at the memory.

laughter